I said hurtful things,
in spite,
in no particular reason other to hurt.
i am sorry for that.
there is no reason for pain when it is unnecessary, as i know all too well.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry it hurts,
and i'm sorry it was ever said.
i'm just sorry
for everything.
i'm just...
sorry. 

We've been fighting. It's a tough fight that I know I will never win. Any resistance on my part is deemed futile. I will live to regret this decision to prolong the war, yet I must. For all MAN-kind. If I'm going down, I'm not going down easily. I refuse to make it easy for HER. 

That's how I feel every time we argue. I have my points and argue it persuasively. All to no avail. It always comes back to this - you are a man, you are older, you are the husband. Act like it. There is no rebuttal for this argument. Lower head. Tuck tail between legs. Swallow pride. Admit defeat. Have a drink. 

Now, it's time to reassess my strategy. Make a new plan of attack if you will (actually, it's more like a defense). This time, I will stop arguing with her and stop telling her things that can be misconstrued to mean something else entirely. I will not respond to her in a way which I usually reserve for my friends and I will not criticize her in any way, either positively or negatively. I will treat her like a wife, as opposed to a friend. And any disrespect on her part will be met with a blind eye. This has to work because I am fresh out of ideas. Just accept her, and ultimately, my fate. 

It really sucks because I always imagined my wife being my best friend. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that it's not possible for me, at this point, or ever. That's why I have to stop trying to treat her that way. I blame it on the fact that she only has girl friends. She doesn't know how guys are. She doesn't understand the humor, the sarcasm, the criticism between friends, etc. It's all in good humor, and that's not something she understands. (Or maybe it's my fault, but I'm not going to admit this. After all, it is war!)

Don't get me wrong. When we all hang out together, my friends and her friends, we all get along great. But when we're alone... it's like walking on eggshells. One false move and KABOOM! (Oh, the humanity...)  That's why I have to partition my relationship and time into Wife vs. Others. Drunken fun? Friends! Museum? Wife! BBQ? Friends! Movie? Wife! It's actually pretty simple. 

But I do have one fear in utilizing this strategy. What is it, you ask? What can possibly mar such a perfect strategy? Well, I'm glad you asked. That's pretty simple too. One day I might leave her (or she leaves me). There's a plethora of reasons why that might happen. Maybe I can't stand tiptoeing around anymore and she's sick of my shit. Or maybe I get too stressed out and she's giving me more grief on top of it for whatever reason. There are many reasons why people get divorced; I see it all the time. I just hope it doesn't happen to us. 

It has been brought to my attention that I still have friends who read this blog. Well, let me start by saying thank you for sticking by me through the years. With that being said, I feel the need to let you know that I have a tendency to exaggerate when I blog. It's a human tendency that I don't indulge in in real life. That's because I think before I talk, but don't think when I blog. I'm usually in the "moment" and what comes to mind goes on paper, or in this case, my computer screen. That should explain why most of my entries on xanga are full of mistakes and doesn't make sense. I have another blog for my well thought out posts. It's on blogger. It's shared with my facebook friends. It's also pretty empty. 

But since I still have some sort of readership, I should express to all 2 of you that my wife is not as bad as I make her out to be. Nor is my life as crappy as I make it seem. I have a job that pays well. I have a wife that I decided to marry because I have never met anyone more perfect than her. And my life is not perfect but is on the right track after everything that has happened. Please let me explain. 

In 2009, I was homeless. I was in jail. I lost all my possessions. And I was in rehab. Not because I was addicted to drugs or anything, but because I needed a roof over my head. All because I got a DUI that violated probation. (fuck you, Orange County) This was the worst year of my life. 

When I got out of rehab, a friend set me up with a job and a place to stay. (I will never forget that, or him for that matter) From then on, I saved money, got an apartment in Pasadena, and then the job where I'm at right now. A year later, I met Elle and we got married. I would say my life has improved considerably in the past 2 years. And I did it all by myself. Sure you can say my friend helped me get started, but had I not left 2 months afterwards I would have gotten in worse trouble. It's a long story. Thank God I left when I did. 

In the past two years, I climbed out of deep debt, I have a nice place in a nice area of Pasadena, I found out who my real friends are, and I matured in a way that only homelessness and utter desperation can bring out in a person. I guess it was a tough lesson but it was a necessary one. 

This brings me back to Elle - a beautiful, beautiful girl who accepts me with all my imperfections. She deserves so much more than what I can offer her. So in my mind, I am working to one day give her everything she deserves. Sure, we argue. No relationship is perfect. And of course I vent (only on xanga). But it is only a momentary release of pent up emotions. It will never be anything more than that. 

God, I wish they would just lay me off so I can collect unemployment. I hate this job. It's driving me crazy. And I get no support from my managers, and get pressure from their managers, and everything here makes me hate life. But then again, I get paid and don't spend money so it's not ALL bad... just mostly bad. Ugh...

My Dearest Cutest Sweetest Wife, 

RE-READING my last post, i realized that i was being immature. why? because i've learned a few things from people who have much more experience than i do. people who have been in serious (and sometimes seriously crappy) relationships, yet they managed to make it work.

#1 - be a man. realize that you have to hold your tongue and not get mad. elle says "you're older than me by almost 10 years. act like it." it hurts but it's true. 

#2 - she loves you, and that's why she trips on what you mindlessly say. stacy said, "it's because she loves you so much; too much even. that's why every word you say carries so much weight. 

#3 - arguments have deeper connotations. bill says "if she gets mad at you, there's a reason. you have to find that reason and fix it, and it's always fixable. you should only worry when she cheats because that means there's something you're not providing, or can't provide."

these are great rules to live by. i haven't had the urge to run my head into the wall since applying these rules. and maybe, i'll once again be the great man elle always believed me to be.

but why didn't i know all this before? because i grew up with a very prideful man - my father. also, because i don't have people giving me great advice because my closest friends don't have these experiences. but ultimately, it's my fault. i don't listen to the women screaming these things at me. 

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-20013657-1.html

His name is Nao, and he is here to pave the road for robot equality in the future.

Nao uses facial recognition skills to read emotions and can become attached to people who help it learn, just like a human infant. When confronted with an unfamiliar situation, or when neglected by its human caregiver, Nao can become agitated. It will remember past experiences it interprets as positive or negative.

What a scary and limitless possibility this robot poses for humankinds' future.

We've been dating for 3 months and the honeymoon is over for me, but for L it's still going on strong. She still stares at me with big adoring eyes full of love, ready to absorb every word uttered from my lips. I love that. I love it so much that I am willing to overlook things that I know will become a problem in the future. So, the question is, am I in love with being loved? 

Apparently, I've been drunk blogging. Kind of embarrassing really. Thank god most of them were saved in private but some slipped through the cracks. I suppose it's better than drunk texting. 

And once again, I'm having trouble customizing my Xanga homepage. Guess I can start ranting about how much Xanga sucks, because I've done it before, but why waste that time right? 

As for my dating situation, well it's alright. There's no problems with the relationship itself. I'm just not fully prepared to give up the single life yet. I ask myself what that even means. I suppose it has something to do with wanting to be by myself every now and then, blogging, reading, or generally wasting time without feeling bad about it. Isn't that normal?